by: Grant Photography - Evin

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

The After Effect...it's not about you...

Many people are afraid of getting into a relationship. It's foreign to them. Obligations, expectations, abomination, annihilations…but for those who do enter a relationship, if it’s good, cherish, but if its bad, they fear breaking up, more than being hurt while together.

I call it the after effect. It is fed by fear. Fear of the unknown...everyone is like that...but you can't let it control your life. It’s that thought of, what’s next. But it’s not “what’s next in my life?”, it’s more “who’s next in my “ex’s life?”. That 1 question often hinders the break up. Not out of jealously, but fear that the next person will be treated “better”. Only a fool can think that. Better is relative, its based on what you want, what you think is better. Not on what the concept of better really is. Now there are people who are in bad relationships, and better is that…better. But when we think of better, we associate that with happiness. We think they will be happier with someone else, or they will make someone else happier than they made ourselves. But for everyone, different things will make us happy.

First I will say this: Whether its your current love or anyone else...someone is going to come after you...we're young...we will date many people…you will date someone after them if you break up. If you have found that “1” and will stay with them…this doesn’t regard you.

Just because you’re “ex” is different with someone new doesn't mean you would have gotten that if the relationship had “gotten better”. How they treat you, is how they are going to treat you, it is comparably to how they view you. They will treat someone else differently...we are all different people...we respond differently to different people...and we act differently to different people

We all treat our other's differently...not because we liked one more than the other...because each of them expected something different from us...and the relationship itself, we go ruin relationships be trying to treat all of them the same.

Some like affection…some don’t...
Some are romantic...some aren't..
Some liked to hold hands...other's don't..

If someone else is treated differently than you...it doesn't mean they are treated better...they are treated a way based on what they desire...meaning every relationship can not be treated the same.

I’ve come to a point where I must learn that it is not about me. My life doesn’t revolve around me (sounds odd I know). My life revolves around what happens, and not the happening revolving around my life.

I have lived in fear, we all have…I have made decisions or chose not to make a decision out of fear. Because I didn’t know what would happen next. We get used to being comfortable, that we exchange that comfort for pain. The unknown is not a comfortable place, we fear going there, we fear the after effect. We think it’s “us”…it is our fault. Why didn’t I get that? What did I do to make them miserable, yet with someone else they seem so happy?

At point, they were happy with you too, because you provided what they wanted. Yet as people age, those wants change, yea it sucks, and at an age this young they can change like the weather, with certain conditions it my be sunny, others it may rain.

But fear of the “after effect” is dangerous territory. If you are unsure. Talk about it. Let them know…say ”hey, our relationship isn’t the best, and I don’t want to be without you, and worse I don’t want you with someone else. But its isn’t working and we obviously don’t know why, or else it would be better. I fear the after effect, I fear you being happier with someone else, even though I didn’t keep you happy. Yet we still share smiles. I want us to keep that, I want us to share, that…share the time we are used to spending, share the moments we remember. And if you do find someone else, don’t treat them better, treat them different. They way they need to be treated and not how you think they should be treated.”

“Stay Strong, Be Blessed”

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